Pearls and Presence, Chapter Nine- New Community

I can never go back. I can only go forward. Will my future be with a new community, those who are broken as I have been, the ones who share in my shame and redemption? Everything will be different now. There is no turning back from what has been done, and I cannot change the past.

I take one step forward, then another, and another, until I have crossed the threshold and am outside the walls of my empire. Both feet are on the sand now. It is cool and soft and gives way ever so slightly beneath my feet.

The walls of my empire have begun to crumble behind me, as the waves of the ocean have finally reached it. The sandy foundation gives way easily under the weight of the crashing sea, and my empire is destroyed beyond recognition.

I watch a boat coming closer and closer, and I hear the voices of a community. They are getting more audible over the roar of the ocean as they come near.

I close my eyes and breathe. I inhale the Divine, exhale my fear.

With whom do I belong?

~*~

Mara was busy cooking breakfast when He knocked at her door. She knew it was Him before she even opened it. He stood there with a benevolent smile on His royal face, His black and unruly hair full of wild, untamed dignity.

The wait was over. It was time to let go of the past.

He entered the room without a word and looked past her out the window, gazing out towards the sea. He was looking at something. She turned and looked with Him. There was a boat on the horizon, sailing in towards the shore. It carried people who had come to inhabit her island, with plans to build a new community.

They were headed towards the beach even now.

And Mara knew that if she didn’t close the door or run away, she would have to face them. And then it would be time to share her story.

The Man interjected into her thoughts. “Lean on me. Let go of everything else. I am sufficient, I will be enough. Have faith, beloved. It is time now, you are ready for this.” He read her mind and spoke straight into her soul.

Something like panic settled into her body. “Can’t you just tell me if they will love me, if I can belong with them after all I have been through? I can’t meet them unless I know what is going to happen. I still have so many questions, so many doubts...”

She searched without avail for the words to express the feelings of uncertainty inside.

 “Can’t you tell me what they will say when they learn about my story?” Her hands were pressed together and she rubbed them in worry, her gaze searching for a safe place to land.

She stared down at His sandaled feet, remembering how her hair had covered them while she cried. She wanted to go there again now for comfort.

He interjected with words that brought order to her conflict: “My daughter, I love you. And the peace of God will rest on you, and you will go forward into My Kingdom with grace and beauty, accomplishing more than you ever dared to imagine. This is my Spirit working in you.”

His words were poetic truth, healing balm for her fears.

And still Mara doubted. “But I need them to love me, to accept me, to care about me. I want them to value my story as You do.” Her voice cracked with emotion and she was going to cry. “I desire their validation, their approval, their friendship. I don’t know what to do if I lose that again. I don’t know who I am without it. Who am I if they don’t understand me? I know I am too desperate, Jesus. Forgive my doubt, I am afraid.”

He reached out to the pearl necklace which was around her throat, to the name written upon it, and lifted it slightly. “Lean on me, Tirzah. Let go of everything else. I will be enough. Have faith, beloved. I am enough for you. My love is sufficient. My strength is made perfect when yours comes to an end.” He touched the pearls one by one, rolling them between his thumb and forefinger, until He found the letters of her new name.

“Tirzah, my joy and delight, I want you to trust Me.

It’s time to let go of the past.”

“What if they turn me away? What if they accuse me? What if they say nothing at all? God, what if they hurt me.” She closed her eyes and swayed slightly.

She felt his steadying hand on her arm. “Lean on me. Let go of everything else. I am your Abundance. Have faith, beloved. Let go of the past. You have a new name now. Let go.” His arm slid down her shoulder, stopping to squeeze her hand and hold it for just a moment, and then He released it.

You have a new name now. Let go. These words were a powerful force that influenced her entire being.

Mara opened her eyess to speak to Him again, to plead with Him for more answers.

But He was gone.

And where He had stood, there lay white roses from her vineyard, fashioned into a crown and lying on the ground. She walked over, pick it up, and look around. The Man was not in sight. But as she looked at this crown of roses and turned it over and over in her hands, she still heard His last words.

Let go.

The boat was getting closer now, she could hear the voices on the wind. She would have to face them, or shut the door and hide- or run. With a deep sigh, she exhaled fear and inhaled Peace. Then she raise the crown and pressed it to her heart, press it to her lips, and then raised it high and placed it majestically on her head.

Will they accept me for worshiping idols and listening to the Accuser?

          She took one step towards the door.

Will they know the extent of my failings? Will I know the extent of theirs? Can I trust their love for me? Can they trust mine?

For years and years she had known what needed to be done, and now it grew from a realization to an action, and her resolve moved from a place of desire to a place of confidence. She had given up her idols, and she had found the words. She had written her story, she had begun to heal through writing. Now she would take the first step towards letting go of the past.

She pushed open door and walked out into the sunlight.

There is no security here, no safety, no certainty in this moment. I stand in the tension of not knowing.

Her bare feet were moving steadily down the road. She had forgotten shoes.

But I have my King, and my pearls, and my roses. I have lost my idols, and that leaves empty room in my heart for true and lasting community. Perhaps they can love me, If I let them.

She was nearly at the beach, and could hear the laughter and chatter of many people.

As she came closer to the water, a sudden gust of salty air blew her gold-spun brown hair back off her shoulders. With brazen freedom her white dress billowed out, molding to her legs in front and trying to take flight behind her.  She put her hand to her temple to hold down her white crown of roses and pressed her other hand to her heart. He eyes closed and she paused to honor the current of the air. 

She was the perfect picture of redemption.

And in those final moments she heard Him in her thoughts again, whispering that maybe, just maybe, together with this new community she would be free to create an Empire that lasts for all eternity until His Kingdom comes in all its complete fullness.

She spoke out loud in response, just before she started down the small trail to the water. The words were inspired by His Presence:

“The peace of God will rest on me, and I will go forward into Your Kingdom with grace and beauty, accomplishing more than I ever dared to imagine. This is Your Spirit working in me.”

The ocean roared in approval. The wind sighed in relief. She reached up and tenderly touched the pearls around her neck.

“Thank you for redeeming my sins and making me beautiful again.” She whispered with delight.

“I am Your beloved and You are mine. I am present with you always. I love you best through My people, so allow yourself to be loved in community,” this was the Divine instruction.

The girl walked with her head held high towards the travelers, a smile on her face and her arms opening wide to receive them. A story was in her heart and a song was in her soul.

She was ready to be loved again.

She was ready for new community.

And she spoke the brave words of power that would change her life forever:

“Hello! My name is Tirzah…”

~*~

And she found the words to write the final page of her story:

We are a community that has been broken and redeemed by the words and life of our King. We are each at a different place in the journey, but we all have a common hope, that one day the Kingdom of God would be revealed through the humility and grace of our Lord and worked out in the entire world for all of humanity. If you are looking for a perfect family, keep looking. But if you are looking for a place where you are given grace and permission to be completely your true and messy self, ask tons of questions and grow very slowly, Empire Island would be a great place to begin. I love this new community so much because of all the ways they make me feel safe to belong just as I am, with my shameful past, present progress and prodigal story included ♥

God loves us best through His people. Allow Him to love you this way, here and now, in a community of children that are living both broken and redeemed.

Together we will build a new community that creates an Empire of love which will last for all eternity until the Kingdom comes. And we will worship our Beloved, and He will be our King.

May all beings be peaceful and happy.

Amen and Amen.

-Tirzah

~*~

The End!

www.persuasiveabundance.com

To go back to the beginning of this story, click here.

To read my personal confession of redeeming love, click here.

With deepest gratitude for all my readers, 

~Rebecca

Pearls and Presence, Chapter Eight- Refinement

 I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.

-Hosea 2:15

~*~

The sound of the ocean could now reach the confines of the valley, and the waves became the only noise as the two picturesque figures stood poised in divine stillness together. 

The girl watched with fascination as the tear of compassion glided slowly down his dark skin. It glittered with a rainbow of white colors in the faint light, looking exactly like a tiny pearl. She lifted her hands from the dusty ground as she remained keeling before him, and He himself knelt down directly before her. Face inches before her own, He reached out to wipe her own tears with His thumb.

As His hand brushed her cheek, she felt His touch communicate safety and belonging.

He cupped her face and smiled to reassure her. Something stirred within her soul. He reached down to take both her hands, ready to lift her to her feet. Mara’s eyes grew large with expectation when He held out his hand for hers. She placed hers in his ever so gently, with both timidity and certainty, and at His touch her entire body felt alive with tranquil joy. The emotion was so unexpected, yet she didn’t feel surprised at anything she felt in His presence now. 

His silence seemed to explain what human words could not.  Her only sense of understanding seemed to come from looking steadily into His eyes, so she remained transfixed in that position as they both stood up together.

Gradually Mara became aware of her breath.

It was slow and steady, and it matched His own. She deeply inhaled peace and exhaled fear, again and again. Mara started to speak, to ask Him what she should do now, but He covered her mouth with his hand for a moment and He looked at her. He was transferring divine power from His eyes to her own.

In His expression she could see the vast ocean and the stars and the universe, and His eyes were so kind and knowing that she forgot what she wanted to ask. Then He took His hand away from her mouth and smiled.

And when He spoke there was a place inside of her that had always known what this wild and regal Man in white was about to say for her. She had known for her entire lifetime, although she had never lived it.

“Beloved. I have redeemed you. Every part of your story can be used for my Kingdom. Every feeling can be directed towards good, if you walk close with me. We are going to journey together out of this Valley of Achor up into the light. Know that I am with you. I can return all that has been lost.”

Mara’s throat constricted with emotion. “I believe You. I trust You. I love You.”

In one fluid and completely natural motion, Mara stretched out her arms to Him in an embrace. He quickly closed the gap between them, and there was no distance between their souls. Her heart thrilled with joy as she drew her arms tightly around His neck and lay her head on His shoulder.

This was a treasure even greater than the pearl of great price.

For an eternal moment He was holding her in His arms, and she was holding Him. And Mara never wanted to let go, because it felt like the Kingdom had finally come. She was His princess and everything was beautiful and good and right.

This is what belonging felt like, to be in perfect alignment with her Redeemer.

Deliverance. Redemption. Freedom. Peace.

And then the moment was over, and the space between them widened. Mara lowered her gaze down to His feet, and she heard Him speaking truth again.

In her mind she thought, “I wish He would take me into His Kingdom this very moment.” But she dared not ask such a great request out loud in His royal presence.

But the Man looked at her lowered gaze and read her very thoughts. “It is not time, not yet. First I will give you a new name, and then you can go out to share your story.”

Mara was filled with sudden dread. “I will fail without You.” She clasped her hands tightly in front of her to hide their sudden trembling. “I will fail again. I can’t do this without You. I’m scared.”

“I will never leave you. Walk with me. I am here, I am with you always. You are a warrior princess for my Kingdom. Know your worth and live it.” He paused and smiled knowingly as if at some delightful confidence. “Mara, it’s time to use your writing for good. You are almost ready to share your gift.” He extended His hand and gestured for her to take it.

Mara grabbed onto his hand like it was a lifeline and nodded, blinking back grateful tears of relief. “I will. Oh, thank you. Thank you.”

And lifting her chin, smiling through her tears, she allowed the Man to lead her slowly up the stairs and out into the sunlight. She had to blink and squint her eyes against the brightness of the morning light. She shielded her face for a moment until she adjusted. Then together they walked steadily across the well-worn trail that led up to the door of her home.

He stopped and smiled gently. “I am the Truth. I know the Way. I want you to go inside your dwelling place and write your story, the one you need to tell the world. I will be your strength and your inspiration now. Use your writing for good, my child. It is the gift I have given you.” He let go of her hand.

“Write my story...” Mara hesitated. She stood there with one hand on the door, one foot on the path, and looked out at the vast landscape. There were miles and miles of ocean, sandy beach, and grassy hillsides.

And somewhere out there beyond the horizon were real people that she was afraid to know. Living beings in community, ones who were broken and redeemed just as she was, who could offer real love and companionship because they were not made of stone.

“If I write my story and share it, I will become vulnerable. The ones who read it are real people that could love me or hurt me. They could welcome my story or ignore it, affirm it or deny it, accept my story or judge my words. I am afraid to write, my Lord. I am afraid.” The vulnerability of this confession left her feeling exposed. Her lip trembled, so she bit it to keep from losing her composure.

“Ah my child, I am so proud of you. I want you to see yourself as I see you now.” He pressed His hand to His heart and smiled. “This day you have been baptized at my feet with your hair and your tears, and so this is the day you become Mine. The opinion that matters is Mine, and I say that you are a delight.”

His voice grew louder as if making a pronouncement to a crowd. “And now you will no longer be called Mara, which means bitter. You will now be called Tirzah, because you are My joy and delight.”

“Oh. Oh.” Mara felt the new name wash over her with grace and dignity. She didn’t have the words to thank Him.

“You belong to me now, and I am so proud of you. Keep writing, I am with You. This is going to be so good, your story is beautiful. Go now. Do the hard work of refinement. Trust me.” He gestured to her upstairs window.

Just as she turned towards the door and began to open it, she gave a sudden start as she remembered something important. “Oh, the pearls! We have to go back.” She was filled with remorse at the loss.

She left the door ajar and stepped back out into the path. But He gently squeezed her arm and stopped her. Without a word He pulled the string of pearls from His pocket and pressed it into her palm, the word Tirzah facing upwards, written in proud bold letters.

Mara looked down at it, and then slowly back up at Him, and He waited patiently.

 He nodded again towards the door.

So lifting her head high, she stepped gracefully forward with an air of royalty to push against the door and throw it wide open. The sea breeze rushed in, and the ocean applauded her courage with a roar. She faced Him for one last look.

Stepping forward He lifted the necklace high and placed it gently around her neck. And He was smiling at her with eyes full of pride and adoration at the dramatic effect the pearls had on her graceful appearance.

“Thank you.”

He nooded and she closed the door with a thud of finality. Mara turned and looked around at the quiet house.  Her heart pounded with the anticipation of the challenge before her. 

Yet, she was encouraged by the look she had seen in His eyes when He had given her a new name.  She had seen tenderness there when He said it, as if His very soul had spoken to her.  He had been visibly affected by her tears, as though they were His very own.  She had been transfixed by this Man, and that moment would remain with her forever.

She reached up to touch the pearls hanging around her neck.

She determined that she would only leave one single blank page after she was done writing. This blank page would be the chapter of her reconciliation to community, the final piece of her journey which was yet untold. Nothing else could remain unwritten, or her story would die without ever being told. 

Mara willed her heart to slow down as she walked up the stairs.  Each step was a victory. She stilled her breathing and began to calm her thoughts.

Her heart was made up.  With renewed strength, Mara walked across the upper room to the desk, where she had sat so many times before trying to find the right words.  She lowered herself onto the chair, looked for a moment out the window, then poised her pen to write. 

~*~

Months and months went by.

The waiting was much harder than she expected. The healing was slow.

Mara finished writing her story. Yet she knew that it was not complete, that there was something more still to come. The final blank page remained untouched.

Even as she healed slowly through writing, she realized that forgiveness and restoration were a long process and not a sudden arrival. The hard work of moving forward and letting go of the past, this was her refinement and her great test of patience.

So much time was needed to heal her past hurts. So much time.

Often, Mara paused in her chores and remembered the eyes of the beautiful, dignified Man who had given her a new name. 

“My Lord, what do I do now that my story has been written?” Her voice trembled with fear at this question, and she spoke it out loud into the wind. “How do I share it? Who do I tell? Where should I go?”

“Tirzah, I am the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I will bless the work of your hands and honor you at just the right time. Have patience, beloved. Trust the refinement process.” She heard the words in her soul, because He dwelt with her there.

“Do I set sail away from this place? Or do I stay and wait? How do I share my story?” She was dying to know, to alleviate the great fear that she still carried with her, the fear of the unknown.

“No.”

“No?? I don’t understand.”

“No. Trust Me. Walk with Me. Wait with Me. Wait, Tirzah. Cease striving. Sit in your healing, dwell in it, observe your refinement and wait. The time will come. Trust.”

She sighed. She just wanted to know how it would all end. Would she ever become something more than an isolated inhabitant alone on this island? She was still so scared to leave her solitude. Part of her wanted to hold onto it forever.

“I don’t know what to do.” Her voice was carried away on the wind, out over the hills towards the sea.

~*~

Join me next time for the final chapter! 

www.persuasiveabundance.com

To go back to the beginning of this story, click here.

To read my personal confession of redeeming love, click here.

With deepest gratitude for all my readers, 

~Rebecca

Pearls and Presence, Chapter Five- Anticipation

 I prostrate myself before these idols, here in the tallest room of the tallest tower of my empire, and I forget about everything except my worship. This is my favorite time, I live for this and I am always hungry for it. I come empty and leave full, and yet I am never satisfied. I fall to my knees in reverence and bow my head to the floor, arms outstretched and palms turned upwards. My hands are open, ready to receive whatever my idols will give to me. I wait for even the slightest sign of life. I wait for them to love me, to validate me, to give me a name and a purpose and an identity. I worship in expectation. I want them to be the community that I desire.

~*~

She spent the rest of the morning cooking up a thick broth of stew. The rich aroma of gravy and vegetables was hanging in the air.  She was working with a pot that was hanging over the fire, which had been made with only one log so that the flame stayed low.  Crossing the room, she periodically looked into the pot and stirred it.  A dark, golden liquid was simmering pleasantly in the black cauldron. She watched as thick pieces of seafood and chopped vegetables kept rising to the surface, only to sink back down again to the hot depths below.  Reaching for the wooden spoon which was resting against the stone fireplace near her feet, she tasted the stew. 

It was warm and rich, and Mara suddenly realized how hungry she was.  For a moment, she considered forgetting about going back to the beach in the evening.  She could tend her roses, enjoy the warm meal, can the rest of the stew to store in the cool of the well, and then spend the remainder of the evening in her little house with a good book or a chance to write something new.  Definitely more inviting than the strange treasure wrapped in a cold and slippery mess of seaweed.

But once again, Mara remembered the glow of the pearls and the mysterious name written there.  For the first time in her life, she was experiencing the thrill of strange new hope. It came to her when the word “Tirzah” had first left her lips, when the gulls were watching and the sea was listening with rapt attention.

It was a name that called to her from another lifetime ago, one that she had heard in the past. She had forgotten all about it- it had rolled into the gutter of her memories, dirty and abandoned. The name Tirzah now called to her soul.

Setting the spoon down where she left it next to the fire, Mara turned and crossed the room to the ladder which led her to the upper bedroom.  She climbed up to get a better view of the ocean. As she gazed out at the water, she whispered the name again- “Tirzah”. It didn’t have the same effect this time as it did on the beach. Instead of startling her, it transported her to a memory from the past, one that she acknowledged now only in her writing.

As her blue eyes gazed out towards the horizon of the sea, her thoughts entered into a divine narrative that carried her away into a vision-

As I am wandering the empty streets with my Accuser I come unexpectedly upon a pearl of great price. It was one that I had kept from another lifetime ago, one that I had held onto from my past. I had forgotten all about it- it had rolled into the gutter, dirty and discarded. I pick it up and wipe it clean, then study it in the light. It rolls in my palm and it is smooth and white and perfect. I am lost in thought, remembering what it means. There is something here….something about perfume, anointing, baptism, purity, and white roses. I remember a cross, the one I used to bow down to, before I built this empire. And a Name, one that comes on the wind with the spray of the sea, the one that smells sweet like peppermint and deep like lavender and sounds bright like freedom and feels safe like home. That Name, this pearl. This belongs to Someone, there is something I must do, something I need to surrender, Someone I must meet with. I should apologize and return it. But where is He?

Mara jumped, coming out of the daydream quite suddenly. Looking around, she blinked and found that she was still in the same place and not a moment had passed. And with shaking hands and anticipation in her belly, she picked up her pen and wrote down everything she had just seen.

It was the natural next chapter of the story she had already been composing.

          Running out of words, she hurried back downstairs and worked off the nervous energy by finishing her household chores with vigorous haste. Once all was done, Mara tended her vineyard while watching the sun make its arc across the sky and waiting for her work of the day to come to completion so that she could return to the beach. Finally, after working tirelessly and earning her rest, the sun was low in the sky and a cool breeze blew in from the water.

Just as she was about to hurry out the door, Mara remembered to grab a long sharp-edged stone that she used for cutting.  She would use it to cut away the thick seaweed from the entangled treasure. Mara set the tool on the table next to her and turned to look around the room.  The glow of the fire reminded her of dinner, but she did not want to squander any time eating before it got dark.

She stooped to pull on her long sweater, and as she did so she turned to look towards the kitchen table. She spotted a large basket underneath, one which she had given to Achor in the morning when he was helping her prep her seaside harvest for cooking. She leaned down, careful of her dress, and picked it up. Tucking it under her arm, she placed the tool inside with a small loaf of bread and cheese and covered it with a blanket. Then she toted the basket out the door as she headed eagerly back towards the beach.

The sun was setting, and a cool wind was coming off the ocean.  It would be dark soon, as announced by the orange glow in the sky.  Most likely she would be walking home under the light of the moon- hopefully with the white pearl necklace in her hands, glowing under its soft light.  Her curiosity reawakened, Mara hastily pushed the heavy, wooden gate out of her way as she entered the path, leaving it open to rest with a dull thud against a stumpy palm. 

          As Mara came to the top of the hill, she paused to look out over the island.  Fog was rolling in off the horizon, and the sun was low over the ocean. The clouds in the sky made golden pronouncements of its final hour. 

As Mara approached the beach, she set down her basket and surveyed the scene before her. She looked down at the sand and saw that the giant section of broken seaweed was gone. 

“Oh.” She said with a heavy heart. “The tide must have taken it,” she spoke into the wind, and her words carried immense disappointment.

          She left her basket there in the grasses and clambered down the rocky side of the hill, stepping onto the beach, longing for a chance to investigate and explain the loss.  Mist from the crashing waves met her face as she turned towards the water.  It was cold when the sun set, and she pulled the sweater tighter around her body, crossing her arms and furrowing her brow. 

She ran her eyes up and down the shoreline, and from end to end she didn’t see the seaweed.  She walked up the left side of the beach until she came to the large jut of rocks which blocked her beach from view of the bay several miles further that direction.  She glanced around among the pebbles and boulders, but saw nothing. She looked at the seagulls, nesting and squawking as they settled in for the night. There was no sign of the pearl treasure.

          Doubt beginning to creep over her, Mara walked back to where she had been standing and tried to remember exactly where she had seen the seaweed last.  “I’m sure of what I saw this morning,” she said to the wind, which was blowing her hair into her sad face.  “I don’t why it isn’t here now.”  She shook her head, but couldn’t get the word “Tirzah” out of her head. She found herself looking down the other end of the beach at the cliffs which rose many feet into the air. 

Although it was far from where she stood, something inside her said she should look there before giving up hope. As Mara began to search around the base of the cliffs on the far side of the beach, something on the very end of the shoreline caught her eye.  Far from the place where she had left the seaweed were the rocks; the ones she had used to secure her treasure in place – they were piled neatly together.  They had obviously been moved carefully aside by human hands, which meant the tide had not washed away the seaweed.

 

She dreaded the thought of Achor interfering- though he had never set foot on the sand before, she wondered if he had discovered her treasure and come to steal it for himself. Her anticipation renewed, she moved towards this last possible option for making a discovery…

~*~

Join me next time for chapter six! 

www.persuasiveabundance.com

To go back to the beginning of this story, click here.

To read my personal confession of redeeming love, click here.

With deepest gratitude for all my readers- 

Rebecca