Turbulent Faith

Who do I become when I abandon my fears?

An ex-pastor, a church ministry drop-out, a yogi, an impetuous disciple of Jesus, an advocate for the Kingdom, and a writer with a weekly blog that has a tiny tribe of readers.

I will leave a legacy behind for my children; it just won’t be the one I had originally planned.

I have been thinking a lot this week about the Apostle Peter. Mostly because I am SO grateful to read about all the blunders he made during his ministry career and all the setbacks he had on his spiritual journey. It makes me feel more human and less alone in my own discipleship.

This week in particular I have had some noteworthy setbacks, and I have been fighting the opposition with prayer, meditation, scripture, worship, journaling and writing.

As I wrote about in an earlier blog, I am an INFJ-T personality type. This stands for Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging and Turbulent. It’s this last part of my personality that caught my attention the most- Turbulent. I looked up the definition and this is what I found:

“Individuals with Turbulent (-T) identity are self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They experience a wide range of emotions and tend to be success-driven, perfectionistic and eager to improve. They are also more willing to make a change if they feel stuck and to spend time thinking about the direction in which their life is going.

Turbulent individuals perform better in certain roles as they push themselves to achieve superior results. Always feeling the need to do more, to have more, and to be more, Turbulent types often forget how exhausting that can be to both themselves and the people around them – but it is entirely possible that this desire to always push themselves just a little further helps many Turbulent types to achieve what they seek to achieve.”

I immediately thought of the Apostle Peter. He was turbulent too. Sometimes it helped him and other times it hurt him. I feel connected to this disciple because I think if I had been walking around with Jesus in real life, I would have done some brave, crazy, exhausting and misunderstood things too, in order to push in closer to my Teacher’s inner circle of friends.

Heck, I already have.

I feel you, Peter. You are my brother from another lifetime.

As we turbulent types will discover, great wisdom comes from epic failure. To learn to be victorious, you must learn how to fail often and well. To be brave is to learn how to allocate and prepare for the high cost of risk-taking.  

Peter took numerous risks in his discipleship to Jesus that cost him dearly. He said some really stupid and dumb stuff, and made some dramatic mistakes that did a real number on his mental and emotional health. He had to hit rock bottom before he could become the rock of the church. In his time with his Teacher he had a whole series of epic fails. And at the same time, he went down a path of learned wisdom faster than anyone around him. He would become qualified to lead through his dramatic failings.

I feel this calling in my own life, to allow my mistakes to propel me forward into the arms of knowing Jesus more fully and leading His people. As I continue to write these blogs, I continue to estimate the cost and the reward for putting my flaws out in a public forum. I have had to repeatedly calculate the cost of exposure and forgiveness. So far, Jesus wins.

So I keep healing through writing. I choose to be vulnerable in a public space because I crave the courage that it takes to do so. I share my process because I believe the world needs more people who are willing to be honest about the things happening to them in real time, not just the old things from way in the past. This is how we forge community, by coming to a place where freely sharing of our weaknesses fosters continual support and genuine love in return.

Peacemaking is only possible if there are people willing to share their struggles and then stick around long enough to receive proper healing.

So how do you respond to a turbulent type? Well, I know from experience what Jesus will do. He will never ask me to stay away from Him until I get it right. He did not tell Peter to contain his larger-than-life, slightly too crazy enthusiasm for ministry. He will not ask you to please keep far away from His home because you are not trustworthy. He will not dismiss you from His table, sending you away in tears to go figure out healing by yourself. When you ask Him for help, He won’t remain silent or perhaps say something that makes you feel like a foolish beggar or a petty annoyance.

If you hear a voice like that, know that it is not your Teacher who is speaking. It’s the voice of broken humanity and flawed human reason.

At his most embarrassing moment as a disciple, Peter took his own Teacher aside and began to rebuke him. Can you imagine, pulling the Son of God aside and saying “Look, now, don’t say things like that, it’s too honest. Nobody says things like that out loud. That was taking transparency way too far. Your ministry is at stake, and your reputation. You are making yourself and all of us look bad, and it’s really going to get you and all of us into trouble. Please keep those particular thoughts just to yourself. You are better off not sharing that part of your story, trust me. It’s going to cost too much to say something as honest as that- be more reserved.”

Yet this is what we tell ourselves so often, isn’t it? We filter out the risky things, the brave and daring things, the honest and vulnerable things, instead telling ourselves that it’s better to be safe than sorry. It’s better to be quiet than to risk offense. Don’t say too much, because then people might see the real you and reject who you really are. It might cost your reputation, your vision, your titles, your friendships. You might lose your hard-earned position of authority and respect. You might have to sacrifice the great name you wanted to make for yourself. 

You might have to lay down your dignity and pride.

You might have to walk on water- alone. Through the storm.

Jesus has a response to that voice of broken human wisdom: ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.’” That is exactly what He told Peter when his voice of propriety tried to silence Him.

If your faith in God isn’t a little bit turbulent then your true calling is in danger of drowning in the sea of human opinions.

What Jesus said to Peter is exactly what we need to learn to say to the negative self-talk that tell us to keep our hopes and our dreams and our honesty to ourselves. “Get behind me, Satan.” When doubts fly at you like bats out of hell, you need to tell propriety to get the eff away from your faith. Then you need to drop to your knees and pray.

And you will discover that there is a redemptive quality in the transition from fearing the turbulence to trusting the Rock. In the midst of the refining process, you will hear a voice that sounds like this:

My child, do you passionately love me with your entire being?

This is a sign that you are on the right path and should keep going. Because you will hear this question again and again, once for every time that you deny Him, and every time your answer will be a little bit different. When you reply each time, you will feel a bit more confidence and have a slightly deeper definition of what you really mean by “love”.

But don’t worry about the details. He knows we can’t meet him where He is at because it’s much too overwhelming and the gift is too great to fathom, and so He walks along at our pace and stoops down low to hear our answer and honors our best attempt:

My child, do you passionately love me with your entire being?

“I like to walk with you.”

And a few steps further along the journey, He will ask again:

My child, do you passionately love me with your entire being?

And timidly we might say:

“Yes, Jesus, I do feel affection towards you.”

And by now Jesus is walking so close we can see into his dark brown eyes, and He respects our insecurities and meets with us on our comfort level:

My child, do you feel affection towards me?

And with both relief and longing for more, we can finally answer simply:

“Yes, Jesus, yes, I do”

He will meet us where we are, in the turbulence of our uncertainty and the turmoil of our unfolding journey. He will accept our reservations because the Teacher wants his students to know that this is a question that really needs to be lived before it can be answered. “Do you love me?” The entirety of our life story will be the response.

Peter was asked by Jesus if he loved Him. But he could only give an answer based on his limited knowledge so far. His love was growing, maturing, but it needed more time. And even though Peter was in process, even though he denied knowing his Teacher three times in public, Jesus still made room for redemption. He asked Peter to declare his love to him three times, once for every denial. And then Jesus changed Peter’s name from Simon to Petra, the rock, and chose him to lead the church. Because Jesus saw in Peter a potential to dare greatly, to say the unpopular and crazy things that would change the world.

He knew that this was a man who would jump out of boats into stormy seas and try to walk on water to close the gap. He knew this was a man who wouldn't walk away from storms, he would enter right into them. He saw the way that Peter’s turbulent faith would become a catalyst for radical change when it was understood, properly handled and aimed at the right target.

In Matthew 16:18, Jesus says, “And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.”

And so I feel a kinship to my dear brother Peter. I also want to be a rock upon which Jesus builds a ministry. But first I have a lot to learn, to write and to heal. The stories of my mistakes are often in the forefront of my writing because they showcase my own turbulent faith. Without the turbulence, my limited wisdom won’t get me very far.

In our enthusiasm and haste to engage and participate in Kingdom work, Peter and I can tend to endanger our souls and drown our good intentions. We can jump without considering where our feet might land. We can sink right in the exact spot where we meant to stand.

Peter, at the first glimpse of Jesus, abandoned his fears and threw himself over the side of the boat. And it was mere moments before he found himself gathering his fears back onto himself and sinking under the weight of them all. The more he sank, the more he desperately grasped onto the many fears floating all around him.

We are all familiar with this inner conflict – it is very easy in our spiritual journey to walk with our eyes locked onto the pain that we are invariably facing.

‘But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, Lord, save me!’ Matt. 14-30.

In my attempt to get to Jesus I had to first jump out of the boat, completely fail and then cry out for help. I could not walk towards Jesus until I recognized my weakness. I had to completely abandon my fears, even though I was tempted to grasp at them for comfort. I had to open my empty arms to Him instead.

I am grateful to say that when I myself began to sink, I instinctively responded in the way that Peter did – I called out for Help. Immediately recognizing what was happening, I did not fool myself into thinking I could just swim myself back to safety. I realized that I must abandon my fears and not rely on them to hold me up. 

Some of us pretend we are not drowning, when in fact we really are.

And I have had to relearn this many times, again and again. He calls me out upon the water many times over. I have jumped out of many boats in the past 6 months, and nearly drowned just as many times. In fact, just this week there were several opportunities to take the leap that came with ample opportunity to lose my footing. And every time, Jesus was right there with me as soon as I cried out for Him.

He looks in my eyes, holds out His steady hands, and together we walk back to the boat. And as I have realized the damaging cost of my easily misunderstood and misdirected personality type, I have wept in repentance. My turbulent faith is in need of divine instruction and guidance, just like my dear brother Peter. I can’t manage myself without His help.

Because of our identity as beloved children of God, when we realize we are drowning in pain, our inherent right and privilege is to call upon the Spirit for help.

And help from God is usually easy to miss if we aren’t aware that the waves will stop only after Jesus returns you to the refuge of the boat. You still have to walk through the storm to get there- the pain does not cease when He comes alongside. Nowhere in scripture is there a promise that the storm will end when He takes your hand, although sometimes it can and does. But the promise is having Jesus walking alongside us as we continue to move towards victory.

We need to take a walk with Jesus and answer His questions about love. He takes our eyes off the fear, holding our timid gaze within His own steady one, asking us repeatedly if we love Him. He calls us out upon the water.

Although God never expects us to feign ignorance of our suffering, we must not let the pain overwhelm us to the point where we lose sight of the Hope in His eyes. We must keep listening to Him and answer His questions honestly. Focusing our eyes on His own will not diminish the pain- but it will overshadow it with blessed peace because we can accept the gift of truth, that we are the beloved children of God- every single one of us.

We are seen and loved by the Creator of the universe. He takes our face in His hands, looks deep in our eyes so that He sees all the way to our soul, and He speaks this truth-

“Remember what I say about you, my child. I am the authority on your identity. I alone have the final word on your goodness.”

The only way to navigate a successful reentry into alignment with God is to dare to brave the turbulence. And it might cost your favorite things and some precious relationships at the time it happens, but perhaps you will be given a new perspective and a new Love, one which reveals the sacredness of the boat towards which you are headed. You will be able to see something bigger that you didn’t notice before.

And after the refinement, that introverted-intuitive-feeling-judgmental-turbulent, personality can become the rock upon which Jesus builds a ministry.

I may or may not see the fruits of this investment in my own lifetime, but I believe it will be in the legacy which I leave behind me, through my writing, my parenting, my passion for the church, my love for the Kingdom, my obsession with Jesus, my turbulent worship.

My brother Peter and I, we are always making many hasty and emotional choices, jumping in to help with dramatic haste and not thinking about what comes next. But because of that tendency, I have a stubborn love of Christ that compels me to be the first one out of the boat, and I have a determination to walk on water to be with Him. I will always take big risks to be with my Teacher. All else is secondary.

It is the reason I know that I will hear again someday the call to serve in ministry, to take a chance and try again, no matter how close I came to drowning last time. He will call me out upon the water, and I will jump. And I will forgive anything and anyone who gets in the way- never let anybody get between you and Jesus. Forgive them so you can keep walking.

True forgiveness sometimes looks like putting yourself in a position to be offended again, and then choosing not to be. 

Other times forgiveness looks like surrendering your right to be justified by human affirmation. It’s choosing humility and sacrificing pride and standing right in the face of “it’s complicated”. Forgiveness is staring your shame and fear down until it cowers.

Walking on water is staying in the circumstance even when nobody would blame you for turning away, and most think that you should. You stand and face the hard forgiveness and stick it out for the long haul, when the healing gets really tricky. You stand there as long as it takes, no matter what, until God calls you out in peace and joy.

This is where true restoration can begin.

I believe that He can redeem my story through the lessons I am learning, because of my willingness to show up and let myself be seen. Because I am open to risking my dignity and denying my absolute right to get even- or, even easier, to walk away, to run, to hide.

I could just stay in the boat, or even better, not even get in at all and remain on the shoreline. But then, how would I encounter the Savior in all His terrifying glory? If Jesus could build His church on a turbulent personality like Peter’s, then surely he can use a broken and brazen person like me to serve His church.

“Here is the secret to all Christian ministry. If you are going to do any single solitary thing as a follower and servant of Jesus, this is what it’s built on. Somewhere, deep down inside, there is a love for Jesus, and though (goodness knows) you’ve let Him down enough times, he wants to find that love, to give you a chance to express it, to heal the hurts and failures of the past, and give you new work to do.” –NT Wright

Yes, Jesus, give me new work to do.

The kind that breathes life into Your church. The kind that integrates my gifts into my community and produces abundance. The kind that brings me joy and allows me to say “Yes, Jesus, I passionately love and trust You with my entire being. Let’s go do this thing together.”

We are all in the boat at one time or another. To everyone the storm looks different, but to all of us it is an opportunity for a leap of faith. When the Kingdom comes, all this jumping out of boats will be more than worth it. The storm will make complete sense to us on that day. Until then, plan on hitting a lot of turbulence. It’s going to be a rough walk, my friends. There will be some doubting, some drowning, some crying, some questioning, some epic loss of dignity and pride, a completely broken heart- remember to keep your eyes on His. 

You are a beloved child of God, a never-ceasing spiritual being with an eternal destiny in God’s great universe. Get in the boat, jump, tread water, pray hard and then call to Him for help with empty arms open wide.

Who do I become when I abandon my fears?

A yogi, an ex-pastor, an impetuous disciple of Jesus, a church ministry drop-out, an advocate for the Kingdom, and a writer with a weekly blog that has a tiny tribe of readers. An INFJ-T personality type- Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging and Turbulent.  A person like Peter, who became the rock upon which Jesus built His church.

I will leave a legacy for my children, it just won’t be the one I had planned. It will be better- it will be Divinely inspired and co-authored with Christ, because I have dared to get in, sail out, jump and brave the storm just to be close to Jesus.

I have dared to walk back with Him and answer His hard questions about love.

Thank you, dear reader, for walking with me here today.

With Gratitude,

Rebecca

To learn more about my personal story, click here.