Emerging Advocate

It is time to establish my sankalpa for the evening, the intention formed in my heart and mind to clarify my reason for being on my yoga mat for the next hour. The room is quiet except for the sound of Tibetan bowls humming, the lights are dim except for Himalayan salt lamps. All is tranquil- no kids, no dog, no laundry, no computer, no dishes, no mess, no noise.

I simply want to enjoy my own existence right now.

I am at a yoga nidra class, where a single pose is held in a completely relaxed state for as long as possible, up to an hour. It calms the sympathetic nervous system and focuses the mind on a single thought- the breath.

I breathe You in and out; You are the very air I breathe.

I already know what my sankalpa will be, because I have used the same one often- to simply enjoy my existence. Not to think about household chores, motherly tasks or wifely duties….or blogs. Just to rest in a state of simple awareness of the fact that I am a living being.

I am a child of God with a divine calling on my life.

I have been doing yoga every week for almost two years and it has evolved into a pure form of worship and meditation for me.

I honor You with this yoga practice. I honor myself as well.

Lying in child’s pose on a bolster, I keep my eyes closed and breathe deeply and I go to a safe place that God has given me to remember, a vision of the Kingdom.

The ocean is vast and stretches for miles beyond the highway. It is a bright and breezy afternoon. From my vantage point, looking down, I see a grassy hill that jets out from lower down on the side of the cliff. A small patch of little rolling hills run alongside the water just below the road. There is tall green grass covering these hills, the green blades all blowing to the right side in the salty air, rising and falling again in the breeze. In the midst of the grasses, a thin dirt trail is winding up from somewhere just out of sight. There is a broken brown picket fence that looks worn and neglected.

It is a place that I have never set foot in, and yet it feels incredibly familiar, like home. Like Jesus.

Warm air rises from the damp earth. A single white horse, bright white against the billowing green grass, stands peacefully in the middle of the field. Just one solitary horse, so white that it is almost glowing. Its’ white mane and tail are rising and falling in the salty sea breeze. It tosses it's head every so often, but it remains standing in one place. It seems to be waiting for Someone...

And I can hear my intake and exhalation of breath, and I felt incredibly close to You on my yoga mat. Peace beyond understanding washes over my being. 

I used to pray for other people while I lay here on my mat- I have learned to just pray for myself. This time is set aside for me. It is sacred and holy.

And I enjoy the vision of the fullness and beauty of the Kingdom. This is what Kingdom Peace looks like, and how it feels, physically, emotionally and mentally.

 I breathe You in and out- You are the very air I breathe. 

The air is cool and salty.

I watch the grassy hillside and I feel the sun on my hair and skin. I know that when the Kingdom is victorious, I will return there and that sacred hilltop will belong to me. It will be my own special possession, and I will meet with Spirit there beside the beautiful white horse, and Divinity will embrace me and fulfill my deepest longings.

I try to visit this place whenever I am on my yoga mat, because it is a place that doubt and fear cannot follow.

And as this vision slowly fades, I return to an awareness of my physical pose. I remember my sankalpa, which is to just enjoy my own existence. And I think again about my breath.

I breathe You in, I breathe You out.

And then my thoughts wander, as they will do, to something I remember from earlier in the day- a discovery, and a victory.

I am an INFJ-T. I am an Advocate.

Sensations of gratitude fill my being as I lay there. It is a delicious realization, a deep joy. I have learned so much today about who I am emerging to be, and what my journey is revealing about myself- I am an Advocate.

Rich sensations of happiness fill my being as I lay there on my yoga mat, contemplating this new revelation, this persuasive abundance of self-awareness.

My life coach had recently given me homework, to take a personality test online, which I did dutifully but without enthusiasm because surely it would tell me what I already knew. 

Certainly I know myself and don’t need a test to tell me who I am. As I completed the test, the results appeared which drew my full awareness to the computer screen:

 “You are an INFJ-T. You are an Advocate. This personality type is very rare, making up less than one percent of the population, but they nonetheless leave their mark on the world.”

Oh my. I was immediately intrigued.

 “What sets them apart is that they are not idle dreamers, but people capable of taking concrete steps to realize their goals and make a lasting positive impact.”

Yes to this. Amen. I want this.

 “Advocates are very insightful and have a particular knack for seeing beyond others’ facades, interpreting intent and compatibility quickly and easily, and weeding out those who don’t share the depth of their idealism. Seeing through dishonesty and disingenuous motives, Advocates step past manipulation and sales tactics and into a more honest discussion. Advocates see how people and events are connected, and are able to use that insight to get to the heart of the matter.”

Oh. I would never have been able to articulate that, but absolutely.

“Advocates indeed share a unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – Advocates will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to Advocates, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.”

Strong-willed but reserving that energy for good? Yes.

“Advocates need time alone to decompress and recharge, so do not become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw. Advocates take great care of other’s feelings, and they expect the favor to be returned – sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a few days. It is most important for Advocates to remember to take care of themselves. The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point and if their zeal gets out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy and stressed. This becomes especially apparent when Advocates find themselves up against conflict and criticism – their sensitivity forces them to do everything they can to evade these seemingly personal attacks, but when the circumstances are unavoidable, they can fight back in highly irrational, unhelpful ways.”

This part humbles me. Yes, this was my confession story. This is my weakness, my shame. I have done this to the detriment of relationships, my identity and my dreams. 

I crumbled an entire empire of joyful service because of this character flaw. 

I pause for a moment of silent repentance, and then I keep reading further down...

“They will step out of the overly humble supporting and noncompetitive roles they are often drawn to, and into positions where they can grow and make a difference. Advocates often pursue expressive careers such as writing, elegant communicators that they are, and author many popular blogs, stories and screenplays. They need to be able to exercise their insightfulness and independence, learn and grow alongside the people they are helping, and contribute to the well-being of humanity on a personal level.”

My heart of service for the church. This is my internal programming.

“Few personality types are as sensitive and mysterious as Advocates. Your imagination and empathy make you someone who not only cherishes integrity and deeply held principles but, unlike many other idealistic types, is also capable of turning those ideals into plans, and executing them.”

My determination to push through healing, to write, to serve, to have a ministry to call my own. My dream to be in leadership at a Spirit-filled church. This is me.

“Yet, as an Advocate, you are likely to be easily tripped up in areas where idealism and determination are more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is navigating interpersonal conflicts, confronting unpleasant facts, pursuing self-realization, or finding a life calling that aligns well with your intricate inner core, you may face numerous challenges that at times can even make you question who you really are.”

Ah, yes. This is where I am now, in this moment. This is why I am in yoga….

And my thoughts return to my breath, to my yoga mat. I hear the Tibetan bowls humming in the background. I hear my breathing, in and out, slow and full.

And I think about my emerging identity as an Advocate. I think about my vision of the grassy hill beside the sea, and I try to merge these two pictures into one. 

A single white horse beside me, an Advocate for the Kingdom, and a Man of power and love approaching me in the breeze. 

It is the King, the one for whom I advocate with the power He has given me.

My heart is in my throat and tears sting my eyes.

And I cry tears of gratitude.

In one fluid motion, I step away from the white horse towards him, smiling and bravely holding out my arms.

I close the gap between us, and this is the moment He will heal my emotions.

You tell me this is the time to love.

And my heart is filled with Your joy as I throw my arms around my Savior’s neck and lay my head on his shoulder.

This is the treasure that I discover in my meditation today.

For a moment I am holding You in my arms, and You are holding me.

And I never want to let go, because it feels like the Kingdom has finally come.

And I am Your royal princess, set apart for ministry and leadership, and everything is beautiful and good and right.

This is what redemption feels like.

This is deliverance.

Then the moment is over, and it is time to rise up and go back out into the world, to allow the peace and self-awareness that I have gathered up during the last hour to go with me into my normal routines.

And the space between Him and I widens ever so slightly, to make room for my emerging Advocacy.

I lower my eyes and turn to leave, and I hear the Spirit speaking kind words again. But I can hardly hear the whisper, because I am hurrying home now.

I am filled with emotion and You are all around me now.

So Jesus, I thank You for giving this vision to my mind, a treasure glowing in the dark.

You know that the things my heart longs for are not always congruent with what my soul needs.

I can have selfish ambitions and jealous motives, even on my best and strongest days.

But You are the beauty and hope that stands in the middle of my rawest, ugliest and frailest human self.

You are the white horse of Hope that stands waiting in the refuge of Your Peace.

You are the reason that I am an emerging Advocate in a broken world.

I am honored, I am grateful, I am Yours.

I breathe You in and out, You are the very air I breathe.

I call for peace and reconciliation within myself and within the whole world. For this cause I am emerging as an Advocate.

May all beings be peaceful and happy. 

Amen.

Rebecca

To learn more about my personal story, click here.